“Your wounded soldier”

It’s April 22nd and I’m meeting up with my Dad to have a conversation. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in person in 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 damn don’t know how many years and I’m playing it cool but I’m nervous. Yeah I’m grown but why do I feel like a little boy again? No matter which way I position myself to feel solid and nonchalant I can’t escape the unsettling feeling in my chest. I figured smoking would help settle my nerves but nah. I got questions running through my mind.

How’s he going to react to seeing me? He missed a huge chunk of my life so I wonder how he’ll respond when I tell him about my childhood, teenage life and what I’m up to currently.

Will we get that far in the convo?

And what about him?

Who is my father?

I’ve shaped my perception of him through the mouths of others all my life and with his absence, he left space to fill in the blanks with whatever I was told and the hurt felt by not having him around is all I can feel. I was your first son. I thought you would’ve held me down and raise me up but you ghosted me like I was worth nothing you. Why? I’m walking and getting closer to this restaurant and the nerves are still growing but writing my thoughts out is helping. Guess I’ll see where this goes.